The Laboratory

Describing a 'lovely singer' she saw at Proms in the Park: Tony Radley from Spandor Bally Describing the touchpad on her new laptop: the mouse inside my computer Talking to a waiter in a Chinese restaurant on the Strand: You look just like a lovely little boy I used to teach - are you him?

I showed this to my Sixth Formers and asked if they would consider going to a revision class like this (assuming they could afford it, which given the quality of their mobile phones, they probably could). Unanimously they said no, because everyone looked like a snob, and dressed funny. I was taken with the fact that (a) the tutor appears to be Peter Sellars, and (b) the revision seems to consist of Peter holding up bits of a chemistry set and talking. Where's the interactive activities? Where, pray tell, are the pads of lined paper out of which students take such an age trying rip the pages neatly? Anyway, no disrespect to the Hampstead Easter School, but I don't think we're in your target market. Sorry. Update August 2008: some fab photos from their website:

I've never been to Madame Tussauds, as I can't afford it. Or at least I don't have the patience to queue up with Japanese children with identical backpacks. Or maybe it's lost all credibility since the Planetarium no longer has Patrick Moore narrating it and instead has Dick and Dom (or whoever). Anyway, I haven't been and at the age of 38 seem increasingly unlikely to. I have however been to Great Yarmouth, erstwhile seaside resort and home of customised car racing along the prom. Seriously, it's like 'The Fast and The Furious' with inbreeding. And fab Yarmouth attraction Louis Tussauds was in the news recently due to the unrealistic nature of the waxworks' faces. Have a look at the pictures above and see if you can guess who they are. Answers below. You could email them to all your colleagues and keep the Bank Holiday spirit going for 5 more minutes on Tuesday morning by laughing hysterically at the almost-but-not-quite-recognisable heads. 1. Stars...

The names of the contestants for this year's American Princess, presented by the execrable Paul Burrell, are like poetry! I'd love for you to try and guess the made-up one, but unfortunately, they're all real! Clarissa Santiago, an outgoing former beauty pageant contestant from Bronx, NY; Tara Zynel, an opera singer and introverted arts student from Pittsburgh, PA; Liz Rizza, a rapping college basketball player from Umpqua Valley, OR; Cassie Shea Watson, a theater major from Longview, TX; ; Letosha Joshua, a former military sergeant from Chief City, FL; Danielle Sutterfield, a tree-hugging figure model from Arlington, TX; Crystal Rowe, a nanny and former foster child from Folsom, CA; Jasmine Espinal, a punk rocker from Orlando, FL; Kirsten Stiff (pictured), an energetic teacher who makes dog tutus in her spare time, from Sarasota, FL; Felicia Flick, a bikini-wearing boxer from Homer City, PA; Yvonka DeRidder, a bi-sexual Psychology student from Tampa, FL; Nakia Vestal, a fo...